Lessons with Riley: We Conquer Two Sex Demons

November 14, 2009 (Saturday)

Riley and I began finding out what that “uneasy and dark” thing is which he discovered while helping me explore sexual issues. After finishing cleaning out the farm house cellar (7 hours today, Mom partly helping), my back hurt so terribly that I chose to get in a hot bath to begin easing it. I knew this was not a good solution, but I needed to try something, just to be able to think about something besides the pain. After I laid down in the hot water, Riley came in spirit (unseeing) and began praying and working with me. He watched my muscles’ and nerves’ reactions for a while, assessing and testing, and told me the root of this back problem started when I was 18. This puzzled me, as the pain really didn’t kick in until I came home to work with Dad on construction projects, my 19th summer. I puzzled and prayed, and Riley continued to work, telling me next that it had something to do with sex. I asked how this could be, seeing as I knew not a man at that time. He said that it definitely happened at 18, had to do with Will, and was fear based. I pointed out that I hadn’t really gotten to know Will yet. Riley said that, nonetheless, I was somehow reading something from him at that time, and asked, Had I imagined sex with him, or at least, with my ideal partner? I answered that, Well, yeah – though not necessarily with Will. I had had extremely clear pictures, even visions, of a man whom I supposed was going to enter my life soon. I’ll call him Aaron. I took the visions as being possibly accurate, as Aaron was no fairytale creature. He was flawed, but oh so much a man. He never physically showed up.

November 18th –I just now put the details of this pain together. I met Will officially when I was 18. He was at a New Year’s Eve party I attended with Trent, at their nephew’s house. We made some small talk, and I felt very unsure of his intentions, as he was much older than I (19 years my senior). I couldn’t make up my mind if he was intentionally flirting, or just being nice. I still don’t know. I turned 19 in February. When he saw me the next Easter at his mother’s house, he thought I was gorgeous. I thought he was grungy, though his smile was cute. I believe that was the official start of the attraction, as he called me within a month or so, and asked for a first date. (We went boating at a local reservoir.) At the New Year’s party, I’m still not sure what caused this fear to take hold in my spirit. The other possibility is that something happened the first time I saw him at a demolition derby. I don’t recall having any doubts about him, but my older sister thought he looked like a sledge-hammer wielding bum, trying to pound the trunk of his car back down so he could see out the rear window. I do remember thinking to Trent’s spirit, “And you say my brother’s a hick!” I was perturbed.

Back to the trouble from when I was 18, and my bath tub conversation. Eventually, I sat up to shampoo my hair, struggling mightily as spasms ripped through my back. I reacted, as usual, by spreading my knees butterfly fashion – my tried-and-true response for getting the spasms to stop. Riley felt my reactions, and said very gravely, “That was a rape reaction.” I stared at him, suddenly comprehending what he meant: A spirit had struck my back in such a way as to cause me to open up into a convenient sexual position. This spirit is called “Abuser,” and while it never actually raped me, it enjoyed looking, and made constant fun of my helplessness to keep myself from it. I cast it out in Jesus Christ’s Name [in His power, that is].

At this point, I gained the authority to deal with another “looking”-type spirit, which had been in the bathroom since before I moved into the house. It resided in the hole in the tub where the plate for the drain plug chain was supposed to fit. The plate was missing, and I had gotten to be careful about arranging the shower curtains, as it did not seem to be able to snoop, once this was done (though I had had something come into the shower with me more than once, at unexplained moments, on two or three occasions). Previously, I had been unable to bind or otherwise hamper this “looker”, and had done my best to ignore him. But now, I was able to cast him out. He went, struggling through a group of other demons who scratched and bit indiscriminately as he passed through their midst. (I thought this scene a bit strange, as I’d never seen spirits trying to hold each other back this way.) These others did not seem to be related to sex or lust in any way, and I left them alone.
Feeling amazed, drained, yet elated, I asked Riley, “Is that all?” He said, No, there’s one more. This one, he said, had entered during Billy’s birth. I took a few moments to narrow the scope of this answer, as that could have referred to almost any point in a two-week time period. I had been in labor at least part of the day or night, every day, for two weeks. But he said that it came during the actual birth, and had entered through the birth canal. It had gone straight to my chest, where it proceeded to cause discomfort whenever my nipples were touched – a horrible thing, seeing as I had both a husband who liked to play, and a newborn child who needed nursed. As soon as I realized that this spirit was responsible for the damage done to my relationship with Will over the last seven years, I grew angry, and cast it out without waiting to hear any more.
Initially, after Billy’s birth, I had assumed this discomfort was due to hormonal changes, and would disappear once my body got back to “normal”. I quit nursing Billy early, due to the destructive demands of Social Services (another story entirely), but remained in a state of endurance most of the time over Will’s desires. I had been seeking for five years to find a cure for this discomfort (not to mention the urge to rip Will’s hands from his wrists when he just didn’t get it), after exhausting every possibility of it’s being a normal, physical problem. Nothing had availed, and I was left with the possibility that this was just something I might have to endure for the rest of my life. (Incidentally, nursing Tyger caused no such problems.)

So, conclusion: The first sex demon had caused me to “present” practically whenever he wanted, and the second one did it’s best to make sure that most sexual acts were as unenjoyable as possible. Of course, I had thwarted both of them on a regular enough basis that my relationship with Will had not suffered as much as they intended (and neither had I), but I was always confident that our relationship could be much better.

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Lessons with Riley: More on Negative Sexual Expression

November 11th, 2009

I have felt like I wanted to eat less over the last two days; maybe all this healing is effecting my metabolism. Riley said all the negative money thoughts and such impair my stamina. I expect to see some improvements in my energy levels now.

While working, Riley was amazed at how many problems I have, emotionally and physically. I hadn’t taken my condition to be this serious, because I’ve yet to wind up in any public trouble over it. But he seems to think I’m a walking disaster. Shortly after making this assessment, he decided to do an experiment. He leaned over the top of me (I was lying on my back in bed – covered), and placed his hands on both my shoulders, pressing me down. The first night, he had pushed gently on my right shoulder, in order to align or change the energies, but had avoided them since. Now he stared at my eyes, open mouthed, and said, “This doesn’t scare you.” It was not a question, but a confused observation. Feeling perplexed, I said, “No, it’s…comforting, actually. Why?” (I thought initially that he had done it on purpose to help me calm down, getting me ready for something challenging.) He said, “This scares the crap out of most women. It makes them feel…imposed upon and trapped.” This was a revelation to me. I had always liked it when Will would brace his arm over my chest during foreplay. It made me feel so safe and surrounded by his strength. I guess it’s the osprey again – the action removes my urge to fly away. Riley doesn’t seem to think this is it.

November 12th, 2009 (Thursday) –
Riley explained to me about how he chose to move in spirit next to my heart core on a more permanent basis, and, consequently, keep an eye on me, aiming to be friends.

November 13th, 2009 (Friday) –
Riley thinks there’s something in me that ferociously desires to feel trapped – an S&M kind of play. It bothers him. Maybe he’s right – I like Will straddling me, too. Riley came and repeated the move on my shoulders, looking for causes this time, and discovered that, along with “thigh” pressure areas near the bottom of my ribs, “It aligns your back to feel loved.” That’s all he’s said he’s found so far. But he thinks there’s still something else…something uneasy and dark.

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Lessons From Riley: I Find My Emotional Core, and Work on My Fear of Sex

November 11th, 2009 (Wednesday)

Riley came early this morning (4:00 or 4:30 am), and suggested we get back to work. We did and said many things in rapid succession, so, the topics:
He said that when I cross my arms over my chest in a self-hug, I not only block incoming things “from the world”, but I also prevent emotional and spiritual transference from myself. If I do it when interacting one-on-one with Will, it makes him feel absolutely rejected as my husband, especially when accompanied by a verbal negative. If I don’t want him to touch my breasts, a much better alternative would be to take hold of his hand and gently remove it, maybe kissing his fingers. In this way, I let him know I cannot at this time accept his touch, but I still accept him, and he can try again later.

Previous to these instructions, Riley kept observing Will and I (we were playing a little), and finally he said, “You really do love him, don’t you?” “Yes,” I said, surprised. “And you try to love him/[show him you love him].” “Yes,” I answered. He contemplated this, then addressed sexual and relational issues as they came up. He knew from the other day that I have an overall deep fear of sex, lodged mainly in my right 2nd-worst rib. Shortly after telling me how to handle Will, I got an urge to put a ball of Yellow Light in the front of that rib, and the place largely healed, clear through my chest and back.

Next Riley targeted my “emotional core,” a fist-sized spot on my stomach. He didn’t tell me right away that this was his aim, he just said, “Put your hand on your stomach.” He knew I would intuitively put it over the emotional core. He explained that not all people’s emotional cores are thus placed, but that mine is. It is right of center, slightly above and beside my navel. He told me to press my palm into it, then to put in a ball of Yellow Light. I failed to form a ball of Light with my hand held flat, no matter what method I tried. I’d think I’d have it, and at the last second…nothing. Three times this happened. Finally, Riley said, “Hang on, may I help?” I wanted to do it myself, but he quickly got more insistent and I gave in. He caused the ball to form beneath my hand and I place it in the Emotional Core. Immediately, changes began to take place. Muscles and hurts and, of course, trapped emotions just fled. Every few minutes over the next half hour, perhaps, I felt some new area triggered, and felt my side soften and heal, and my feet twitch to match and compliment what went on elsewhere.

Riley spent some time examining my hands, as the ring finger of my right hand, especially, was stiff with tension. He found that it was full of negative, income-slowing thoughts on money: my income “threshold” values are/were stored here. I confessed a few thoughts and attitudes as they became apparent, and Riley began to look over my other fingers. The little one (right hand) stores relationship thoughts, and my thumb has something to do with my spirituality…though it did not seem clear to either of us just what. I know that I often tuck my thumb inside one or more fingers – sometimes a whole fist – and that this is said according to palmistry to be a sign of insecurity. Riley says it means that I feel I have something to hide.

I eventually tried forming a ball of Yellow Light again, and was able to cause it to respond correctly. This I placed in my left abdomen, to ease an unspecified pain there.

A major feature of the Emotional Core was that it held seemingly every negative memory to do with Billy’s babyhood. Riley remarked on how hard these must be to carry. I threw all such memories on the bonfire at my Relationship House, then we added more Yellow Light. After this, I began to feel sexually aroused toward Will, and soon afterwards initiated intercourse. I felt no residual fear! Except that I have all the knowledge of these last eight years, and a somewhat changed body, it felt like we were newly married. Will had stuck around until the last appropriate moment, observing and giving me fresh perspective on my actions. He asked, after seeing me tighten and cringe when Will started to roll next to me: Was I afraid of Will. “Yes,” I answered; “I can’t seem to help it.” He really got busy helping the negative emotions clear out then.

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