January 24th, 2010 – Information Overload
This morning I had a conversation with the Lord about my inability to remember everything I’ve ever learned.
That may sound silly, but it’s a big deal to me. I hate the idea that I’ve studied and read and discussed and contemplated on thousands of subjects, and either can’t remember two minutes after what my conclusions were, or can’t remember that I even “met” the ideas.
The moment came when I knew that I couldn’t keep on in this way, and that I had to go to the Lord about it.
A friend helped convince me.
A craving for knowledge. So much to remember, so little memory! I feel in love with so many topics, but they don’t seem to love me.
Riley Helps Me Understand the Problem
Riley had come by to help me find the root of my angst, and, after several minutes, announced, “You have a major block. It says, ‘Access is Forbidden.’
Just like a computer site, I thought.
“Yes,” he agreed.
I had already been dealing, moments earlier, with a physical aversion to touch, and we initially both thought that this block must have to do with this aversion. My body would not accept that it was okay to relax under touch – any touch, any type. This had naturally been a point of contention between my husband and I, and Riley and I had spent much time dealing with it already.
Now, it seemed to be a matter of course that I had planted this block about touch. But then Riley said, “It’s been there at least three years.”
Three years, I thought – shortly after my daughter’s birth. Did it then have something to do with physically healing from the pregnancy and birth? That did not ring true with my spirit. Did it have to do with a particular event, consciously forgotten by me? No, this was not so.
Suddenly, I knew: it had to do with information in general. Any information, of any kind, from anyone. This block was something I had planted in efforts to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed by information. The nature of this block explained perfectly why I could concentrate so far, and no more – not another thought, not another fact, not another sentence. The block was a self-protective measure.
The problem was, physical touch had automatically been locked into the category of “Too Much – Access Forbidden.” My brain and emotions were regularly loaded to the max, and physical touch found in me no resting place.
Riley double-checked all this against the Truth he felt from the Lord, and agreed it was so.
We went to Christ about it.
Christ Explains About Computers
As soon as we came within hearing distance (our spirits in close contact with the Lord, our minds’ eyes seeing our risen Lord as it were, physically), Riley said, “She has an information block. We don’t know how to rid her of it…or if it even should be gotten rid of.”
Christ tilted his head for silence and said to me, “Look at my eyes.”
“That is a hard thing to do, Lord,” I said, willing but feeling incapable.
“I know,” He said. “But do it.”
I found that I was barely able to let Him have my gaze. His gentleness, His wisdom, His worth and power pierced me through, but I hung onto His will and looked.
He said, “I didn’t mean you to remember everything. You weren’t designed to.”
I could accept this as truth, but my spirit was discomfited. “Then why, Lord, do I have this overwhelming desire to remember and know and be able to retrieve instantly everything I ever saw or read or thought…and am so frustrated when I can’t?”
He dropped his gaze from mine, releasing me to myself, then said, “I have put eternity in the heart of Man. This was My design. But you have a physical, temporal body. It isn’t meant to hold everything. One day, you will be able to know and remember more, but now is not that time.”
I felt disappointed, but ready to continue to listen.
He went on, “I am like the greatest computer ever able to exist – I have the most memory, the greatest capabilities. I can do anything that is allowed by Love, I know everything, I see everything, I hear everything, I remember everything. But you don’t – nor were you meant to. You’re like a small handheld computer.” I saw something the size of a Blackberry in Christ’s palm. “You are mine to use to store and retrieve and send certain information, but not everything.”
Small is big enough for God. I’m a small computer for God’s work.
I felt a certain comfort in knowing that I was indeed a tool in Christ’s hand – that I apparently had functioned correctly in being part of His plan for influencing the world.
“One of these days” – I knew He meant at His side, in eternity, after all His enemies were put down, and He was made in fact the true and forever King of Kings – “one of these days, you will be bigger; your physical body, your brain as it is now, your capabilities, will not matter the way they do now. In that day, you will be able to remember as you would like. But for now, you aren’t meant to be that full. There are certain things I have given you to remember, and the rest belongs to others.”
This was beginning to make comforting sense to me. I listened intently as He said:
“You are overfull right now.” What He meant was, You have squandered the capacity I gave you.
I asked, “Then how do I fix this? What can I do about it?” I felt as if I couldn’t change my desire to know, and couldn’t imagine being able to just let things go. I pictured reading great books on history and science and theology and the arts, and felt despair at having to forego any of that information.
Christ’s voice became very low, and so gentle, I knew He spoke a sorrowful rebuke: “You have never asked Me what things belong.” He paused. “You have never asked Me to fill you with what I want you to know.”
Aha! When I had asked Him, just last night, in what area I had tempted Him with my unbelief, He had said, “Your reading.” I hadn’t understood then, and though He had said that I hadn’t allowed Him to control it as I ought, I knew I hadn’t taken His meaning. Hadn’t I asked Him, Which book next? Hadn’t I paused frequently, meditating on what I read, asking, What would You like to do with this in my life?Yet He had said that I had shunned Him in my reading.
Now I understood.
I knew what I had to do. “Lord, would You please then delete the files that don’t belong? And restore or install those that should have been retained, and weren’t?”
Delight suddenly flooded His face. “I’ve been waiting so long for you to ask this,” He said.
I had given joy to my Lord! I had done it – I had pleased Him!
I had begun before now to feel as if I could do nothing but grieve Him.
He performed the deletions and installations in a few seconds, and while I felt somewhat scattered and flighty while preparing breakfast, I also felt at peace, and joyful – a truly rare thing for me. I felt as if I could learn to pay attention to the important things in life, like my husband’s thoughts, and my children’s hearts, instead of feeling too full to even think about anything beyond their physical necessities.
I knew I could go forward in life now, and that the block no longer said, “Access Forbidden”. It asked now for a password, and if a thought had Christ’s Name upon it, it would go through, and be of use to me.
As this article was originally published elsewhere, I include a few comments below:
I like the comparison of man to a machine, a gestalt created by and functioning on a more physical and concrete level. It seems to resonate with purpose, showing how human beings are creations free of mysticism and with a very real purpose.
Also, I can sympathize with you in wanting to know everything and retain it. There’s a story about my family back when it was called “Faith” in which a matriarch I’m directly related to was accused of witchcraft during the Salem witch trials. I believe she claimed she was guilty of the crime, and so was not put to death, but there was so much more to the tale that I can’t remember and my great-grandparents took with them to their graves. No one else knows. And I think it tragic in the extreme that it was lost.
Though I’ve had no encounters on the subject, my philosophy is that the burning need in me (and many of us) to remember was present from the moment of my creation, and therefore must be in God’s intent and with His blessing. I often think that we were given this need to remember something whispered to us at birth, something of great importance, and so we spend the rest of our lives in thoughtful forgetfulness, wanting to remember what advice God gave us.
But I could just be off my rocker. I dunno. 🙂 – Jarn
Jarn, that’s a beautiful thought: that God told us each something at birth (or before), and because it was so important, we crave to remember it with all our beings. I think this important whisper is probably what we would call our core Dream, or calling in life – the specific thing that God created us to do, which no other person can accomplish in the same way.
Or, it could be that He says: “I love you. I gave everything for you. I want you to stay part of my life. Please don’t forget Me.”
What do you think? – Me
Thanks for share your thought about this. I think you have good spiritual side. keep it up. – Prasetio30
Prasetio, you’re welcome, and thank you for the encouragement. – Me
This was a lovely hub, and I thank you for writing it. The years go flitting by, and I think of questions I have had, of things I want to know that have never yet found a place in my schedule, and I think, too, of the years of eternity. I have had the distinct impression that some of those “years” will be spent in knowing and delighting in the things we could not take in here. Will I get to see Ireland, Scotland, and Romania then, if I never get to see them during this life? I do not know, but I do know that the Lord says that if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart.
I liked Jarn’s thought too, about the Lord whispering to us. – LiftedUp
I have wondered, if we were able to truly grasp what eternity means, and if we were able to understand how deeply the Lord wants us to enjoy Him and what He has made, whether we would be more apt to calm down and concentrate on fewer things.
I know I, like you, am looking forward to seeing places I’m not likely to get to visit in this phase of existence. And even if that’s not God’s idea of fun for me (I’ll have His thoughts fully then, I am convinced), I know I’ll be blown away by what He does have planned.
Thank you for reading. – Me
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